missybrar's posterous

So says James Corden as he introduces Adele's 'Someone Like You' at the Brits a few weeks back.

People who have walked through the shadow of relationships death - are familiar with the deep bruising wounds left by a battle in which both parties suffer a catastrophic loss. Those who have walked that path, will nod in acknowledgement, for this is real as any death. That's why Adele's lyrics capture it so perfectly. She stands out because she's describing something profound compared to the pseduo heart-break of failed infatuation, the likes of Burno Mars and others peddle out in tracks such as 'Grenade' on a daily basis:

"to give me all your love is all I ever asked .... I'd catch a grenade for you" 

Who pray tell asked you to? If you choose to 'give all you have' surely that's something you consciously decided?

If it doesn't work out, it's painful, yes. But it isn't the end of the world. I've certainly been there, so have many of my friends. But despite the sharp slap to the ego and the chest bruise of unrequited attention, we know the difference between infatuation break and heartbreak.

It's like comparing being turned down after a job interview to being made redundant after years of service. It doesn't even come close.

There is a loss that is unbelievably hard to swallow in deep heartbreak. The loss of a long relationship where you've invested heart body and soul is tantamount to a bereavement. In fact studies have shown it's second only to to the death of a spouse in the impact it has on health and long term well-being. I ... and people that I have a huge amount of love and respect for, have walked through that graveyard of death. I say it now, because unlike the Burno Mars song, there is a dignified acknowledgement of the loss and hope for a better life that is captured in Adele’s song that speaks to my soul.

I can genuinely say that I am grateful for where my life is now. I also know that my heartbreak was my 'rite of passage.' It was the way I was supposed to get where I am today. Sure there are questions left unanswered, pain inflicted on both sides that seems incredible looking back, plus the loss of too many things to mention. 

When you have lost near everything that has ever meant anything to you after years of investment, trust me you know what heartbreak is. 

Forgive me for the lack of charity, but some part of me is deeply insulted by the Burno Mars throwing 'grenade' types implying infatuation break even comes close to that kind of loss. It's a paper cut my friend, not heartbreak. 

From a practical point of view, when I talk to to people about relationships with my work with Lovephool, I can genuinely look them in the eye and say I have been there. People mistake my positivity for emotional immunity. That couldn't be further from the truth. I just have a deep respect for the trials and tribulations that we each have to go through. But yes, there is also a camaraderie amongst us heartbreak survivors, a belief that despite the pain, you can and do love again. But for those who insist on throwing grenades and calling it 'love' don't be surprised if they're thrown right back at you. No one owes you love, ever.

The common thread is that heartbreak is something that profoundly tests you to the core; every part of your existence, who you are, your self worth and everything you dreamed of being in that part of your life. You are faced with a powerful moment of singularity; you're in cold water sinking fast.. do you drown or swim toward the light like your life depended on it? I did the latter and for the months that followed I didn't stop till it got there.

I didn't want to survive, I wanted to thrive.

If you're in that place, then welcome to your 'rite of passage.' Accept it as your ultimate test on whether you're going to let it drown you or whether you'll swim to the surface. If someone like me who hates water can look back after years of swimming and marvel at how strong I have become, then so can you. Looking back it's one of the defining moments of my life. 

A few things brought these thoughts to a head which remain private. But the dignity of how people deal with loss never fails to move and inspire me. James Corden is spot on in that regard. My only personal adjustment is that in my case is that it wouldn't be 'someone like you' ... it would be 'someone like me'; my equal. Someone who I can meet half way and say - hey let's give this rollercoaster of love thing a try. If they don't feel the same way about me, that's fine, that's the nature of the love gamble. But it has to be said, move over Burno, the war's over; love doesn't come with an obligation or guarantee, it never did.

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"..... 

Love is a chance we should always happily take, freely and without expectation if we're lucky enough for it to come our way. 

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