missybrar's posterous

Last week I had the most unforgettable, beautiful rare experience of my life...

I pause as I write that. Is it really one of the most unforgettable experiences in my whole life? ....

Why so amazing. Did I meet the love of my life? Well sort of, yes.

Last Sunday evening, I was talking a long walk back from my parents to my home; it’s just shy of 4 miles. I wanted to settle my mind, I felt agitated, not at anything in particular, just overtired. I thought I’d go for a run when I got back, but knew I didn’t have the energy. I thought about yoga, meditation, or a movie and sofa time ... maybe, but I knew I’d get distracted.

So a walk it was. But after mile 2 the laptop I was carrying started to feel heavy and I wanted to rest for a few minutes. The only places to stop where pubs or fast food joints – I’d definitely rather have carried on walking. Then I remembered, there was a Sikh Temple, a Gurdwara just half a mile North of my route that might be open. I’d heard of it, but never been as I’d normally go to my family’s temple in West London.

I arrived at the Ealing Gurdwara just after half 6, it was a very modest building, almost hidden away, with a 1980’s community centre feel. But it was welcoming in a quiet way, and I was grateful to have somewhere I could just sit quietly, rest my shoulder before continuing. I walked into a fairly empty hall, with a priest quietly reading Rehras Path (evening prayer) from the Sikh holy book, our Siri Guru Granth Sahib. I bowed down to pay my respects and found my place on the left a few meters away from the only others in the congregation; a young couple with their baby daughter. 

After a short time they got up and left, I thought of leaving too, but going at the same time felt rude, so I enjoyed the stillness for a bit longer. 

 Three other priests came, paid their respects and sat adjacent to the altar on the right in front of their instruments, two Vajas and Tabla. This in itself is quite normal, I’d forgotten it was probably time for Kirtan and Katha. They began singing Sabad (hymns) again quite normal. I’ve sat in many a Kirtan, I’m Sikh by birth but my first language is English and although much of the prayers and Sabad are familiar to me, I can’t always translate their meaning; sadly a fairly normal situation for me. However, this time there was nothing remotely normal about this evening.

For the whole time of the Kirtan, I was the only person in congregation, in this modest, Gurdwara at 7 o' clock on a Sunday night in Ealing. I felt extremely self conscious, but found myself routed to the spot as soon as the music started. These priests starting signing Kirtan; but to call it singing would not do it justice.

They opened their hearts and shared with such fervour it was as if they had a congregation of thousands.

I should know; I’ve been in one of those congregations. I have sat in the Golden Temple in Amritsar, in overcrowded halls in lavish temples at Diwali and Vaisakhi. But I have never felt this level of power coming emanating from the human voice; a loving passion enveloping the whole Sangat (the congregation) who in this case numbered, just one;.... little ol me.

And enveloped is the only way I can describe it. The level of emotional devotion was incredible, pure joy, feeling and being. What’s more, I understood it; I knew what they were singing. I discretely recorded a clip so I wouldn’t pinch myself later. The Sabad verse “Door nahi mera prub pyara”  had the words I most needed to hear .... “not far away, the divine is most loving”. It filled my heart which such beautiful naivety, the perfect joy of celebrating life and love at its purest.

I didn’t even realise that I had tears running down my face.

I can’t recall feeling so happily moved by the devotion of others and feeling so honoured to be the disciple of one, being treated as if equal to an audience of thousands.

That warm feeling stayed with me, all the way home and for a few days to come. It gave me the emotional energy to deal with some challenging moments in my personal life and gave me new stamina. More than anything it was the reminder that to feel the divine comes from connecting to that ferocity of passion in our hearts. The inner drive that says; whether it’s singing, working, building or sharing, I want to do this from a place of devotion and love.

So yes I found and felt love in that perfect moment:

It was there all along. But that day I needed a reminder that whether it’s work or how we connect with others, It has to come from the belly aching rawness that says, make it count; whether it’s for an audience of one or thousands.

Love at its essence is Divine.

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