But it’s the most stupid thing you can do if you want to keep your life simple, calm and logical. Well I’m about to admit to being galatically stupid.
I feel deeply in love with someone who wasn’t good for me. I probably wasn’t right for him either on reflection. It happened 14 years ago and although I’m very glad that we had our time together, I can genuinely say that I’m so much happier, healthier and more grounded person since we parted that when we were together. Except for one sad feeling; ... the sense that he was ‘the one’ and I’ll never really love anyone like I loved him....
But 6 weeks ago that changed. Someone turned my world upside down... and it reminded me how capable I am of taking risks and believing in the good stuff again.
I met someone when I least expected it and we starting getting to know each other the old fashioned way; love letters and 3 hour telephone conversations that never ended. Ok the love letters were epic texts and the 3 hour telephone conversations were in place of being able to see each other, but the connection was there from the start. Despite both our logical heads saying that this couldn’t be real.
But then reality did hit, his life and my life were at odds. He’s a soldier in a war zone and I’m the Lovephool in happy land.
Chaos and complicated doesn’t even begin to describe his world.
I saw the writing on the wall early on. As magical as this was, we’d have to touch base with reality eventually. The romance was wonderful, but when we tried to turn it into a real relationship it stalled. We had already become emotional best friends. For it to be more, he’d have to take a risk with the drama in his life and I’d have to risk my happiness and believe that the two of us could ride it. It’s a risk that I was prepared to take, but not he. Rather than let this becoming a real relationship, he decided for us to walk away....
I reacted as any sane woman would in this situation. By having a complete strop! The indignant, bruised ego part of me thinks it was all a fantasy for him ... just playing at romance, holding back all the time because he didn’t mean any of it.
In pure feisty Punjabi Warrior Princess style I levelled the accusation of being a coward squarely at his door.
His logic is that unless he knows he can sort out his war-zone, he’s not going to let me in; that that could take years. His life is so precarious he can’t risk exposing others to his world, especially those he cares about, which is why he lives like a virtual hermit. He argues I deserve someone who can offer me a real relationship, not a dream. But I suspect his protestations are more to do with being able to take risks and trusting his heart.
I’ve argued with him till I’m blue in the face, but there it is.
Yes we turned each other’s world upside down briefly, but perhaps it was meant to be a wake-up call to both of us to stop hiding and start living. I believe in love and that means taking risks and trusting life. Loving someone is a privilege, it defies logic and laughs at our attempts to save ourselves from pain, it takes courage.
If anything this experience has reminded me that I have bucket loads of inner strength when it comes to taking risks and being open with my feelings whatever the outcome. I'm happy being the Lovephool, it's who I am. Equally, I acknowledge that he'll forever be a solider in a war-zone.
As they say, all is fair in love and war.
Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar
I'm a Writer, Researcher, Entrepreneur, Psychologist, MBA and ponderer of things that make people, business and relationships work better.
I have a venture that I'm starting called Lovephool that uses the latest in Strength Based thinking from Positive Psychology, MBA and Business to help people have more resilient, happier and more connected lives.
Stop by and say hello and tell me what you think at www.lovephool.co.uk
I'm a Writer, Researcher, Entrepreneur, Psychologist, MBA and ponderer of things that make people, business and relationships work better.
I have a venture that I'm starting called Lovephool that uses the latest in Strength Based thinking from Positive Psychology, MBA and Business to help people have more resilient, happier and more connected lives.
Stop by and say hello and tell me what you think at www.lovephool.co.uk
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