Making a big deal about ‘doing something for someone else’, even if it’s a random act of kindness is pointless. People don’t need help; they need space.

space/spās/

To me, space is something that’s created in relation to something else. The space that’s created has a quality of being free, open and accessible. We create space in relation to each other. Without each other, we have no space, we’re alone. But sometimes we go too far the other way with the wrong sort of kindness. We can leave others feeling beholden or pitied. Or worse, we risk invading what someone wants to keep free.

It’s a tricky balance and I think that’s the real reason we don’t help more. I thought that, when I helped an elderly lady with her Sainsbury’s shopping on Sunday. I didn’t know her, I didn’t have to help her with her shopping, but I was happy to help her find a few things. She was 91 and had trouble seeing labels and getting about, but her mind when lucid, was as sharp as a razor. For the most part she was very appreciative, but now and again I felt a little concerned for her as she seemed to be on her own. But despite her age, she didn’t want my ‘kindness’ or ‘concern’. Being independent and feeling strong was important to her. I pulled back and she quickly reclaimed her ‘space’ and we found a comfortable distance whereby I helped with her shopping and she shared with me her incredible life experiences. We both left feeling like we shared some space and benefitted in some way. To me that’s much more respectful than pity masked as kindness.

Random acts of kindness are pointless. It’s as pointless as brushing your teeth once a week instead of twice a day. Kindness shouldn’t be something you try and do once a week. It should be an automatic habit, the normal way in which we relate to each other every day, hopefully more than once. What’s more, it should feel natural and be respectful to each other’s space.

I was also on the receiving end of some space and understanding.  Justin, the manager at the Old Crown pub on New Oxford Street in London, rescued one of my Lovephool events when it became oversubscribed by letting me use his room upstairs even thought I hadn’t booked it in advance. He didn’t have to do that, he wasn’t obliged to, nor did he make a big deal out of it. He was able to give me some space and understanding (in the physical and literal sense), so he did. What marked out his behaviour and that of his staff was that they cared about their pub and the people who visited it. The Old Crown feels very different to its neighbouring bars, it’s got soul; years of history on the outside and bucket loads of good energy and space on the inside. I love places like that.

I’ll be talking more about the Old Crown as I’ve decided that it’s the perfect place to host my free Matchmaking Mixology events. But I wanted to include it in my count of space makers, because of the consideration they gave me.

Have you had the opportunity to reach out and connect with someone where you both create a shared space of understanding? We do it automatically with the people we know and love, but isn’t it about time we reached out more to the people we don’t know? It doesn’t have to be a big act of kindness, just a little bit of space. And it should feel as natural as brushing your teeth every day.

If you'd like to create better relationships in your life come along to the next Matchmaking Mixology meetup. Click here for details.

If you want to hang out with Justin and his team and have a cool drink in a warm hearted pub, then pop along to The Old Crown. Click here for details.

If you happen to see 91 year old Mrs Lambly in Sainsbury's, do give her a hand finding the organic honey!

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We often don’t know people as well as we think we do until it’s too late...

This weekend a man that I once worked with took his own life and in that second devastated the lives of all those who loved him, cared for him, knew him, liked him and touched by him. Tragically he saw no option but to ‘check out’ of his life, but in that moment he sentenced all those who valued him with an endless sense of sadness and helplessness. In a split second his presence, evaporated and the unanswered questions as to ‘why?’ were left instead. Why was he so silent in his distress? Why didn’t he let it out? Why didn’t he think himself important enough to those around him to reach out?

On the other end of the scale another relationship was damaged by someone over valuing their own importance, by attacking someone else for the crime of being happy. The damaged caused was superficial but nonetheless shocking for the poison and bitterness coming from the ex friend of a friend, at them choosing to start a new chapter. Rather than wish them happiness, they attacked the friend and cursed their future. In that split second, they revelled in hatefulness but in doing so evaporated all the respect and affection they may have accrued in their friend’s memory. That friend is left with a similar question ‘why’?  Why would you have so little respect for someone’s choices and right to be happy? Why did the person think of themselves as so important that they see fit to insult and attack?

This leaves me with the question, why do so many kind hearted generous people suffer in silence when they’re in genuine distress whilst other selfish people barely pause for breath whilst they blame the world for their woes?

I’m slightly removed from both situations, but the distress caused by those affected does make me sad. Of course the irritation caused by an immature emotional vampire is nothing compared to the still unfolding sense of disbelief and deep sadness of loosing such a well regarded exceptional man that I had the honour to know.

More than anything it has left me with a sense of anger, we are all too often distracted by the drama in our extended circles that we don’t have time to reach out to those who genuinely could do with our time and ear.

Do we think that people, who don’t grumble, are perhaps stronger than they might be and do we get too distracted by those who shout and scream too much?

If anything, it has made me even more resolute in my belief that we should distance ourselves from those who bully, manipulate and demand their way into our lives. Not only because it’s bad for us but because it blocks the genuine, but easily missed signs from those whose distress may go unnoticed.

I’m fortunate that I not have lost anyone in my family or close friends circle to suicide, nor have I been plagued by insults from those which do not wish to remain in the past. But it’s a reminder that we need to positively, exclusively focus on the relationships that matter; our partner, our family, our friends and those we work with. We may still miss the silent cry for help, but at least we won’t be drowning in the negativity of those who don’t deserve our attention.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. ~ Rumi

We all long to stand in a space where we can love and be loved for who we are. It takes courage to be true to ourselves and share what we want. That’s a good thing; we all want to live a life without regret. But I think there’s a greater calling for all of us; to nurture the people we want to stand next to.

If we truly care for those around us, we have to help them find their voice and speak. We need to selectively invest in those that genuinely deserve our love.

• Are there silent people in your circle that don’t speak about what’s in their heart? 
• Do you know if they’re happy, sad, lonely or joyous? 
• When's the last time you asked them? 
• What's stopping you from asking?

Life is precious and sadly, even if we do reach out to help, we may not get through.  But, helping those we love feel valued and accepted for the choices they make is what makes our relationships count.

My heart goes out to all those affected by loss, especially the tragic, senseless loss of someone taking their own life. If you’re reading this and feel trapped in despair or are having negative thoughts, then please reach out like your life depends on it. You may have to push hard to get through emotional vampires at times, but there are people who think your life means something. You should too.

What’s the right question to ask, I’m not sure... here’s a few I wish I could have asked.

How are you coping with everything?

What can I do to help?

I’ve noticed you’re not your usual self, do you want to talk?

Or if in doubt, perhaps I'd just offer a hug.

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I'm a Matchmaker, I help people find love. I do this by matching them according to their Lovephool type of Fly, Hot, Cool or Slick and then showing them how compatible their character would be with another to find out the things that make their relationship awesome.

Funny thing is, I wasn't walking my own talk....

I met 'interesting' dates; nice enough guys who weren't right for me yet I persisted 'hoping for the best' despite alarm bells from my gut, backed up by my Lovephool model saying the chances of compatibility were very slim.

Having tried all the conventional ways, online dating, out with friends, introductions from family and even a social experiment (accepting any dates in June), I decided to do things another way. The Lovephool way. And by doing so I met someone, fell in love and got engaged in 10 weeks!

Here's the Lovephool way:

• The first criteria being to only date someone who was the same Lovephool Type as you; Fly, Hot, Cool or Slick
• The second being that they had to have high Relationship Confidence; over 75% 
• The third being that your full 20 character Double Buzz Strengths have to be compatible. A guarantee of sorts, so you can see in advance what would make your relationship awesome and what things might spark conflicts.

I put the 'Lovephool way' to the test in December.

I met 'Tom Cat' on-line, he messaged me to share contact details, but before I did, I asked him to take the quick Lovephool Quiz to find out what Lovephool type he was. Turned out he was Fly like me, and he thought the description of Positive, Independent and Heart Driven was spot on. We shared emails, long conversations and had an amazing first date. In fact, it was the best 'first date' I'd ever had. It was perfect, everything about our time together was magical and it has been ever since.

So far so good, but life isn't a movie and logic kept rearing its head.

It felt too good to be true so I wanted to check that we're both emotionally ready for something serious. I got him to do the Relationship Confidence test. Not only did he score in the top 75% he scored higher than me! I should have guessed, part of the reason I fell for him was his 'presence' and warmth with the people in his life; he's one of the most loving, caring yet confidient people I've ever met.

Caution kept us in check; we'd both been hurt before.

Infatuation is exciting, but I wanted to know whether we'd really work as a couple. Did our character strengths bring out the best in each other or were we in for a rough ride? After a little gentle persuasion, he agreed to take the full Lovephool Double Buzz profile to see what our relationship would look like if we stayed together.

Turns out he's Fly and Hot like me and we share top strengths of Passionate and Understanding amongst others. Despite us both being strong personalities, we didn't have any clash points. Just a difference in our Creativity and Guiding strengths. That's easily resolved, I'll problem solve, he'll lead the way.

When you meet someone and you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with them, you need time to get to know them. But how do you know if you're investing your time in something amazing or something that is going to fizzle out? In this day and age we all want to know 'how' things will work out, what to expect. Why should that be any different in love? We tested our character strengths parternship and it only confirmed what we felt in our hearts; from our joint Lovephool profile, I don't think I've ever seen such a close match:

All that remained was the asking and in true Missybrar style I couldn't resist the Leap Year opportunity of asking him to spend the rest of his life with me. His response, an absolute Yes! ... I beat him to it was his only comment, I'm sure he'll be putting that straight soon.

Bling bling... is that the phone ringing, or some other ring?

Love Tom Cat, Love Lovephool, Love trusting my heart

I'll keep you posted on the adventures of Missybrar & Tom Cat. But, if you're fed up with dead end dating and want to be matchmade the Lovephool way. Find out your type for free and follow the three steps to true character compatibility at www.lovephool.com

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I don’t get homelessness.

Why do some people thrive and others fall away from society into despair? Are some people weak and others strong? I've walked through my fair shares of trials and tribulations. Like many, I could have easily given up. When faced with belly aching despair, I could have been seduced by the dark side of life and escaped from my misery but instead I tend to reach for my mettle detector: 'Kipling’s, poem ‘IF’

...you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, to serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you, except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

Life has a funny way of turning around. Perhaps it’s psychological or emotional strength, perhaps it’s the investment put into relationships or perhaps it’s upbringing? In my case maybe it’s all three things interwoven with an ego that can’t settle being anyone’s victim.  No matter how dark the night, I always run towards light like my life depends on it. I always have done, I know I’m here to thrive, we all are. That’s why I don’t get why someone would give up.

I think that’s why I struggle with ‘homelessness’. Since taking part in the Gurseva project and Soup kitchen in December, I’ve been reading much about the plight of rough sleepers and trying to get my head round it. What I really mean is, trying to find a solution. Why do people sleep rough – is it society’s fault? It’s easy to see how financial problems could lead to homelessness. Or is it the individual’s fault? Stats show that many homeless individuals have a history of substance abuse or antisocial behaviour. From a ‘Sikh’ or spiritual perspective, it doesn’t matter what the cause is. Where each here to do Seva within our society; serve others and invest in our social infrastructure, without judgement, I might add.

However, despite my best intensions, I still felt judgemental.  

I felt annoyed that as a society we allow so much homelessness, I felt pity for individuals who are on a one way self destruct path. Nevertheless, I tried my best to offer help and comfort, and doing so I learnt a thing or two. As soon as I met and talk to some of the homeless in my community, my frustration fell into compassion. There are many reasons for rough sleeping and understanding the psycho-social factors that lead people to that place takes time. But beyond compassion, I felt the need for recognition and acceptance was at the heart of how we need to consider our less fortunate neighbours.

There are many amazing community and national groups that work tirelessly to solve the urgent issue of homelessness. Their work of course is crucial. But our role is crucial too:

Personally, the biggest thing I learnt was the importance of ‘recognising’ these people as part of our society, rather than a problem to be solved.

Anyone who similarly assuaged their social guilt with a soup kitchen stint at Christmas, will probably also been surprised by the quiet dignity of their ‘customers’. Of course they need food and shelter, but the hunger for ‘love’ is just as deep. We all yearn to be seen, recognised and accepted as a human being despite our circumstances. A smile and conversation, will warm their hearts as much as the soup and tea.

That food is the invaluable part of what the Gurseva Project and Ealing Soup Kitchen provide. I am humbled by the investment of time and love that many such groups provide, and grateful that they let some of my friends and I come along.

I’ll being joining Darren Moore who's one of the people helping with the next Ealing soup kitchen on Sunday 5th February. If you’d like to find out more contact Darren via twitter @darrenmoore or via his website www.darrenmore.co.uk.

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I, like many women push myself. We’re increasingly expected to excel in many areas at the same time; intellectually, emotionally and physically in different parts of our lives. In a world where there are precious few jobs or relationships ‘for life’ we have to constantly invest in ourselves.

That part is healthy, but for women, it seems society is more concerned with appearance than what we develop on the inside. We live in a culture is obsessed by image and superficial success. I don’t know if it’s same for men, but I find it curious how often I and other women hear: 

‘You’ve lost weight’ (meaning; success or good thing) or ‘you’re looking healthy’ (meaning; you’ve put on weight/ bad thing).

How I look is part of who I am. But it’s not who I am. I like looking after myself and being healthy, but it’s sad that in today’s world losing 10lbs is a bigger achievement than any other type of success. Without reading a tabloid, the media obsession with weight means, I already know that Kate Middleton / Duchess of Cambridge is both two inches taller than me and almost two stones lighter.

Aside from the fact that can’t be very healthy, I’m not sure what message it sends out to young girls. She’s clearly an educated, successful woman, so how come we know very little about her character, her views and passions? I get it, she’s a ‘Princess’ so she’s got to look fairytale perfect, but there’s more to her. There’s more to all us women who feel the pressure of style and image over substance.

Deep and meaningful questions like; 'has she ever spent a day walking around in wet knickers'? Not that it’s a crucial rite of passage to woman-hood but just one of the challenges she may have faced on her Raleigh International trip. It certainly was one of many challenges for BBC Radio 1 Journalist; Gabriella O'Donnell when she went on a Raleigh International trip to Belize in 2001. Here's what she had to say:

Find out more about Raleigh International here

Find out more about Eddie Botsio's exhibition

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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I was running late, again. Flustered, I raced off the tube in heels, my out of control curly hair making me look like medusa, but without the evil connotations I hoped. I’d planned to be there early, have a coffee, gather my thoughts so that I was the one in control of the meeting. I’d never met him before and first impressions are crucial, especially when you need someone to trust you and warm to you naturally.

But I wasn’t early. I was barely going to be on time, as I growled at pedestrians dawdling in my way. I turned the corner and slowed to a normal pace and casually walked to the hotel we were meeting. I saw him just as I got there, walking up the stairs in front of me.

I didn’t know it was him, but it was a Bank Holiday Monday and he looked, I want to say ‘lost’ but that’s not true. He looked ... content.

He called me on the mobile and I walked up to answer him in person. ‘Hi you must be Phillip, I’m Kuldeep.’

He turned and gave me a smile that beamed; his eyes sparkled as did his energy.

Not in a flirty way but a ‘it’s really cool to meet you’ kind of way. His face was serene, calm, confident; so open and happy. Instead of me worrying about making him feel comfortable, I’m the one who suddenly forgot all the rushing and completely relaxed. I smiled back and we walked to the business club lounge, both of us feeling really comfortable and talking with ease.

Most people are friendly when you first meet them, but when you meet them to interview them on video there’s always an air of reticence. Naturally, they’re concerned about how they’ll come across. So unless I’m with a consummate professional like best-selling author and speaker Mike Dooley, I often have to spend a bit of time talking to them to get them to open up and relax. Not with Phillip, he was genuinely relaxed, positive and open.

He’s in his early 20’s and unlike some men his age, he didn’t feel the need to be closed or defensive whilst he tried to get a sense of what he was in for.

Phillip was hugely trusting and really enthusiastic. The video interview was about Phillip’s experiences on Raleigh International; a trust that offers young people the chance to go on expeditions and volunteer on international projects. It's also famous for being the gap year Will and Kate went on together. It was to support Eddie Botsio's forthcoming photography exhibition to raise money and widen participation for those from less privileged back-grounds. The challenge with interviewing young people is that they often either take ages to warm up or you get snippets of ‘too cool for school' – back handed nuggets rather than meaningful quotes. Once they trust you, they’ll share more, but it’s tricky getting them to do that whilst pointing a camera when they’ve only just met you.

Phillip was brilliant, he was enthusiastic but measured. Warm but poised.

He knew what he was about and had the confidence to say it.

It was obvious that his experiences really made a huge impact on him and he was keen to help others.

I sensed that from the moment I first met him.

‘You had me at hello’ is cheesy, but I often get a sense of how self-assured someone is from the way they first great you.

Is their eye contact is genuine or assessing, handshake warm or limp and their smile real or fake?  I can tell in an instant whether I’m going to really enjoy someone’s company or whether I’m going to have to work at it.

For me, being around someone who can hold their gaze when they’re talking to you is a sign that they’re really interested in what you have to say and feel confident enough to share their views in return.

 In that sense, Phillip did have me at hello. It wasn’t just because he was passionate about Raleigh and keen to share his experience; it was because he gives an air of really being interested in the people he meets. It makes him likeable and memorable – someone you’d work with, have a coffee with and share stories with. When we finished the interview, he talked about his career aims and hopes. I offered him my advice, not that he needed it, having just interviewed him, I know he’d sail through interviews.  

Like me, he’d have them at hello!

Find out more about Raleigh International here

Find out more about Eddie Botsio's exhibition

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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But it’s the most stupid thing you can do if you want to keep your life simple, calm and logical. Well I’m about to admit to being galatically stupid.

I feel deeply in love with someone who wasn’t good for me. I probably wasn’t right for him either on reflection. It happened 14 years ago and although I’m very glad that we had our time together, I can genuinely say that I’m so much happier, healthier and more grounded person since we parted that when we were together. Except for one sad feeling; ... the sense that he was ‘the one’ and I’ll never really love anyone like I loved him....

But 6 weeks ago that changed. Someone turned my world upside down... and it reminded me how capable I am of taking risks and believing in the good stuff again.

I met someone when I least expected it and we starting getting to know each other the old fashioned way; love letters and 3 hour telephone conversations that never ended. Ok the love letters were epic texts and the 3 hour telephone conversations were in place of being able to see each other, but the connection was there from the start. Despite both our logical heads saying that this couldn’t be real.

But then reality did hit, his life and my life were at odds. He’s a soldier in a war zone and I’m the Lovephool in happy land. 

Chaos and complicated doesn’t even begin to describe his world.

I saw the writing on the wall early on. As magical as this was, we’d have to touch base with reality eventually. The romance was wonderful, but when we tried to turn it into a real relationship it stalled. We had already become emotional best friends. For it to be more, he’d have to take a risk with the drama in his life and I’d have to risk my happiness and believe that the two of us could ride it. It’s a risk that I was prepared to take, but not he. Rather than let this becoming a real relationship, he decided for us to walk away....

I reacted as any sane woman would in this situation. By having a complete strop! The indignant, bruised ego part of me thinks it was all a fantasy for him ... just playing at romance, holding back all the time because he didn’t mean any of it.

In pure feisty Punjabi Warrior Princess style I levelled the accusation of being a coward squarely at his door.

His logic is that unless he knows he can sort out his war-zone, he’s not going to let me in; that that could take years. His life is so precarious he can’t risk exposing others to his world, especially those he cares about, which is why he lives like a virtual hermit. He argues I deserve someone who can offer me a real relationship, not a dream. But I suspect his protestations are more to do with being able to take risks and trusting his heart.

I’ve argued with him till I’m blue in the face, but there it is. 

Yes we turned each other’s world upside down briefly, but perhaps it was meant to be a wake-up call to both of us to stop hiding and start living. I believe in love and that means taking risks and trusting life. Loving someone is a privilege, it defies logic and laughs at our attempts to save ourselves from pain, it takes courage.

If anything this experience has reminded me that I have bucket loads of inner strength when it comes to taking risks and being open with my feelings whatever the outcome. I'm happy being the Lovephool, it's who I am. Equally, I acknowledge that he'll forever be a solider in a war-zone.

As they say, all is fair in love and war.

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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I just don't feel you've been there for me of late....

The slightest thing will set you off and it's really beginning to tick me off.

Don't get me wrong, I think we have a pretty good relationship; I do listen to you and take time to understand what's going on with you. Wasn't that long ago that I'd just ignore you and do what I want anyway. Those days are long gone and we're a real partnership now.

We have our ups and down, sometimes you adjust and give me more breathing room and other times I have to take time out and respond to your needs. That's how it should be in any good relationship. But it seems over the last few months I have to take the back seat to your needs and it's really upsetting me.

Every time there's a little niggle to you take it as an excuse to get stroppy. You should be able to just get on with it, but clearly that's too much to ask. I know what you're going to say. Every time we've gone for help or advice they take your side. I'm the baddy for pushing you too far, demanding too much. But you never complain at the time, it's always afterwards that you let rip and take me down with you. That's just mean and has to stop.

You can't just be wheezy; no you've got to get yourself worked up into a full blown asthma attack that requires emergency meds and trip to hospital. Stiff muscles from running, oh no, not you. You've got to have sciatica and a foot injury so bad I can't walk. You can't have a headache, you've got to have a week long migraine! .... yeah you thought I'd forgiven you for that huh? And now tummy from hell and a trip to the GP with noises about hospital referrals and 'investigations'. You'd love that wouldn't you Body? Us being laid off so I can't boss you around, well dream on! Even people I barely know, notice I'm not on top form, you're letting me down when we're in public and it's getting embarrasing!

I've got one response for you; we're supposed to be in sync you and I, and we're supposed to be well!

Don't listen to them out there. We know what's right for us we've been there before and recovered from worse. So here it is dear body. I'm going to look after you better if you stop getting stroppy with me. Fair?

(Gurgle gurgle) .... I'll take that as a yes then.

No chance of a run later? (body swears at me) .... Ok ok, just asked.Take a chill pill! 

When was the last time you and your body had a good chat? You still beating it up for not being or doing what you want? How about taking time out and being kind to it, you might be surprised how supportive and responsive it can be. I'm taking mine out on a spa date, it's going to love that!

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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Last week I had the most unforgettable, beautiful rare experience of my life...

I pause as I write that. Is it really one of the most unforgettable experiences in my whole life? ....

Why so amazing. Did I meet the love of my life? Well sort of, yes.

Last Sunday evening, I was talking a long walk back from my parents to my home; it’s just shy of 4 miles. I wanted to settle my mind, I felt agitated, not at anything in particular, just overtired. I thought I’d go for a run when I got back, but knew I didn’t have the energy. I thought about yoga, meditation, or a movie and sofa time ... maybe, but I knew I’d get distracted.

So a walk it was. But after mile 2 the laptop I was carrying started to feel heavy and I wanted to rest for a few minutes. The only places to stop where pubs or fast food joints – I’d definitely rather have carried on walking. Then I remembered, there was a Sikh Temple, a Gurdwara just half a mile North of my route that might be open. I’d heard of it, but never been as I’d normally go to my family’s temple in West London.

I arrived at the Ealing Gurdwara just after half 6, it was a very modest building, almost hidden away, with a 1980’s community centre feel. But it was welcoming in a quiet way, and I was grateful to have somewhere I could just sit quietly, rest my shoulder before continuing. I walked into a fairly empty hall, with a priest quietly reading Rehras Path (evening prayer) from the Sikh holy book, our Siri Guru Granth Sahib. I bowed down to pay my respects and found my place on the left a few meters away from the only others in the congregation; a young couple with their baby daughter. 

After a short time they got up and left, I thought of leaving too, but going at the same time felt rude, so I enjoyed the stillness for a bit longer. 

 Three other priests came, paid their respects and sat adjacent to the altar on the right in front of their instruments, two Vajas and Tabla. This in itself is quite normal, I’d forgotten it was probably time for Kirtan and Katha. They began singing Sabad (hymns) again quite normal. I’ve sat in many a Kirtan, I’m Sikh by birth but my first language is English and although much of the prayers and Sabad are familiar to me, I can’t always translate their meaning; sadly a fairly normal situation for me. However, this time there was nothing remotely normal about this evening.

For the whole time of the Kirtan, I was the only person in congregation, in this modest, Gurdwara at 7 o' clock on a Sunday night in Ealing. I felt extremely self conscious, but found myself routed to the spot as soon as the music started. These priests starting signing Kirtan; but to call it singing would not do it justice.

They opened their hearts and shared with such fervour it was as if they had a congregation of thousands.

I should know; I’ve been in one of those congregations. I have sat in the Golden Temple in Amritsar, in overcrowded halls in lavish temples at Diwali and Vaisakhi. But I have never felt this level of power coming emanating from the human voice; a loving passion enveloping the whole Sangat (the congregation) who in this case numbered, just one;.... little ol me.

And enveloped is the only way I can describe it. The level of emotional devotion was incredible, pure joy, feeling and being. What’s more, I understood it; I knew what they were singing. I discretely recorded a clip so I wouldn’t pinch myself later. The Sabad verse “Door nahi mera prub pyara”  had the words I most needed to hear .... “not far away, the divine is most loving”. It filled my heart which such beautiful naivety, the perfect joy of celebrating life and love at its purest.

I didn’t even realise that I had tears running down my face.

I can’t recall feeling so happily moved by the devotion of others and feeling so honoured to be the disciple of one, being treated as if equal to an audience of thousands.

That warm feeling stayed with me, all the way home and for a few days to come. It gave me the emotional energy to deal with some challenging moments in my personal life and gave me new stamina. More than anything it was the reminder that to feel the divine comes from connecting to that ferocity of passion in our hearts. The inner drive that says; whether it’s singing, working, building or sharing, I want to do this from a place of devotion and love.

So yes I found and felt love in that perfect moment:

It was there all along. But that day I needed a reminder that whether it’s work or how we connect with others, It has to come from the belly aching rawness that says, make it count; whether it’s for an audience of one or thousands.

Love at its essence is Divine.

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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"Women Who Run With The Wolves"

The title of the book I’m reading and perhaps also an apt description of one of my women’s networking evenings.

I’d hoped the book “Women Who Run With The Wolves”, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, was a female version of “Dancing With Wolves”, by Michael Blake later becoming the film with Kevin Costner larking around with Native American Tribesmen. Failing that, I hoped it would be a reflective philosophical take on solitude. Not because I’m in a hermit, but because it reminds me of being away on a retreat; a chance to slow down and appreciate the simple things in life.

The book is just such a tonic. It’s a meaty tome but it does delve into the human psyche to question how and why our connection to nature, ourselves and each other has been eroded away. It is a riot of female expression and exploration on many different levels. But above else it’s an awakening; a reminder of female wisdom and that we are all more whole than we realise, even, or perhaps especially, when we’re alone.

The parallel to my women’s networking evening comes from the stories that emerge on what we women want in relationships.... (this also echoes from my conversations with men)

Creating possibilities through meeting people and widening our social circle, rather than orchestrated get-togethers to meet ‘someone’ of the opposite sex.  Women want to meet other great women and great men for that matter, in a context where you’re able to be who you are. Creating situations in which connections, friendships and possible relationships can naturally bloom.

Finding “me”. Not in a self indulgent way, but rather a deep awareness that in order to be a ‘great’ person we have to spend time discovering who we are. Whether it’s through travel, arts, sports or nature; finding our passion both helps us live life more fully but also makes us more attractive to others.

Mentoring and support. The recognition that we’re all at different stages; some trying to heal from a past wound, others taking time out from the dating scene, some are ready to meet someone new and others in various stages of a relationship. All of us carry unique challenges, joys and points of reflection. Sharing these life stages, served as a reminder that we are more connected and have more in common that we realise.

Discussions such as these from my networking evening with ten amazing women last week reminded me of a passage from the book:

“A woman must choose her friends and lovers wisely.... we often invest them with the power of a great magician .... but they can endanger or destroy our connection to our own cycles and ideas..... Having a lover who regards you as a living growing criatura being, just as much as the tree from the ground...a lover who looks at you as a true living breathing entity, one that is human but made of .... magical things as well.... a lover and friends who support the criatura in you ... these are the people you are looking for. They will be the friends of your soul” (p 106)

So what do women want? They want to be with someone who makes them feel alive. But they’re not waiting to be rescued, quite the contrary;

“I want to be with a man who is so proud of who he is that he won’t need to compete with me”.

We want our equal, we want to challenge and be challenge in return. We want to feel the roots of our inner critatura as the book says, so that the part of us that we sit with in our solitude is ignited by another soul who wants to run or dance with wolves now and again.

Now I’m not going to play a play a John Barry soundtrack with a prancing wolf with puppy eyes just yet, but there is something to be said for seeking to connect to each other at a deeper level. Are we so cynical in our lives that we’ve forgotten how to look each other in the eye, whether friend or potential lover and share where our deepest joy comes from? If my networking group is anything to go by, the answer is no, we haven’t forgotten, we’ve just lost the art of how to be great with each other, including wolves of the opposite sex.

All that's left is an epic sound track .... all yours John;

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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So says James Corden as he introduces Adele's 'Someone Like You' at the Brits a few weeks back.

People who have walked through the shadow of relationships death - are familiar with the deep bruising wounds left by a battle in which both parties suffer a catastrophic loss. Those who have walked that path, will nod in acknowledgement, for this is real as any death. That's why Adele's lyrics capture it so perfectly. She stands out because she's describing something profound compared to the pseduo heart-break of failed infatuation, the likes of Burno Mars and others peddle out in tracks such as 'Grenade' on a daily basis:

"to give me all your love is all I ever asked .... I'd catch a grenade for you" 

Who pray tell asked you to? If you choose to 'give all you have' surely that's something you consciously decided?

If it doesn't work out, it's painful, yes. But it isn't the end of the world. I've certainly been there, so have many of my friends. But despite the sharp slap to the ego and the chest bruise of unrequited attention, we know the difference between infatuation break and heartbreak.

It's like comparing being turned down after a job interview to being made redundant after years of service. It doesn't even come close.

There is a loss that is unbelievably hard to swallow in deep heartbreak. The loss of a long relationship where you've invested heart body and soul is tantamount to a bereavement. In fact studies have shown it's second only to to the death of a spouse in the impact it has on health and long term well-being. I ... and people that I have a huge amount of love and respect for, have walked through that graveyard of death. I say it now, because unlike the Burno Mars song, there is a dignified acknowledgement of the loss and hope for a better life that is captured in Adele’s song that speaks to my soul.

I can genuinely say that I am grateful for where my life is now. I also know that my heartbreak was my 'rite of passage.' It was the way I was supposed to get where I am today. Sure there are questions left unanswered, pain inflicted on both sides that seems incredible looking back, plus the loss of too many things to mention. 

When you have lost near everything that has ever meant anything to you after years of investment, trust me you know what heartbreak is. 

Forgive me for the lack of charity, but some part of me is deeply insulted by the Burno Mars throwing 'grenade' types implying infatuation break even comes close to that kind of loss. It's a paper cut my friend, not heartbreak. 

From a practical point of view, when I talk to to people about relationships with my work with Lovephool, I can genuinely look them in the eye and say I have been there. People mistake my positivity for emotional immunity. That couldn't be further from the truth. I just have a deep respect for the trials and tribulations that we each have to go through. But yes, there is also a camaraderie amongst us heartbreak survivors, a belief that despite the pain, you can and do love again. But for those who insist on throwing grenades and calling it 'love' don't be surprised if they're thrown right back at you. No one owes you love, ever.

The common thread is that heartbreak is something that profoundly tests you to the core; every part of your existence, who you are, your self worth and everything you dreamed of being in that part of your life. You are faced with a powerful moment of singularity; you're in cold water sinking fast.. do you drown or swim toward the light like your life depended on it? I did the latter and for the months that followed I didn't stop till it got there.

I didn't want to survive, I wanted to thrive.

If you're in that place, then welcome to your 'rite of passage.' Accept it as your ultimate test on whether you're going to let it drown you or whether you'll swim to the surface. If someone like me who hates water can look back after years of swimming and marvel at how strong I have become, then so can you. Looking back it's one of the defining moments of my life. 

A few things brought these thoughts to a head which remain private. But the dignity of how people deal with loss never fails to move and inspire me. James Corden is spot on in that regard. My only personal adjustment is that in my case is that it wouldn't be 'someone like you' ... it would be 'someone like me'; my equal. Someone who I can meet half way and say - hey let's give this rollercoaster of love thing a try. If they don't feel the same way about me, that's fine, that's the nature of the love gamble. But it has to be said, move over Burno, the war's over; love doesn't come with an obligation or guarantee, it never did.

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"..... 

Love is a chance we should always happily take, freely and without expectation if we're lucky enough for it to come our way. 

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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I love Valentines day. I love it as much when I'm single as when I'm in a relationship.

Why? Because it's about celebrating our bonds with the people we love. 

So I was really happy to combine my faviourte day with talking about my favourite thing; Lovephool and how people can have better relationships by finding their Buzz (the things that make them happy) and focusing on their Lovephool connection type. When you know that your happiness comes from being Fly, Hot, Cool or Slick you naturally attract and are attracted to people you're going to click with. The more that happens the move positive relationships you'll have in your life and hence more chance of love!

This morning I was on the Breakfast show with Richard Andersone on Liberty Radio. In between kicking out some amazing tunes and bundles of high energy, Richard invited me to test the Lovephool model whilst we were live on air with the other guest in the studio ... his wife!

In my model, relationships are strongest and happiest when you're with a person who's the same type as you. So we tested it using the mini version of the quiz live on air. Here's the listen again!.... Did I mention it was Valentines and they're happily married ... no pressure then! (Download to skip to Lovephool section last 30 mins).

Valentines_Day_Special_Lifehouse_lulu_and_Lovephool.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Turns out Richard is a Cool Lovephool.

Having a Cool connection type means that people like Richard relate to to others and the world around them in a calm unemotional way. Cool Lovephools are self oriented; they're quite happy in their own company. They're also mind driven, they go with their head more than their heart and tend to be logical and clear thinking. This also makes them quite wise and gives them great sense of perspective. Cool types may have strengths such as being; Creative, Curious, Intellectual, Wise, Courageous, Displined and Persistent. That's where they're most likely to get their Buzz. They're least likely to get on with emotional 'Hot' Lovephools.

So how about his lovely wife Louise?

Turns out she's also a Cool Lovephool! Perfect match. Actually if you saw the two of them together you could could see they had a really nice chilled out vibe ... Definitely a Cool couple, not just in the Lovephool sense.

Then in the afternoon I was invited to be on national radio live with DJ Nihal with a Valentines special on BBC Asian Network!

Ok do you now realise why I was nervous? I was afraid I'd end up sounding like Tinkerbell from Peter Pan sprinking fairy dust and asking cynics to just BELIEVE and clap their hands frantically and say yee ha!

Well nerves disappeared when I met Nihal and his lovely team. Love is a personal journey, but I do think Valentines is a day of celebration and I tried to give my own Lovephool flavoured fairy dust to some interesting callers. There was some great banter including a live name and shame, but no Tinkerbell! Here's a listen again from the show (I'm on for the second hour) http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/yfbdf/

As for finding out your Lovephool type. Try the mini profile test for free at www.lovephool.com to find out if you and your partner are Fly, Hot, Cool or Slick  But if it doesn't come out as a perfect match, don't worry, the full version will show you how and why you click and what makes your relationship Buzz.

But whether your single or in a relationship enjoy being who you are and spend time with the people you love. That's what Valentines is really about!

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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If you read my post on being an Infatuation Junkie you may recall me sharing a personal view on how accurately this Lovephool strengths based profiling works. 

Well, I have to say the science is spot on again .... Mr Cute (v attractive, charming and intelligent who I felt zero chemistry for emotionally or mentally) did indeed turn out to be a 'Cool' which isn't a natural spark for me being 'Fly'. We don't see the world the same way. He's a great chap but the Lovephool test predicted that we wouldn't spark in an emotional or mental way.

Mr Lovely on the other hand.... (who I felt a incredibly deep sense of emotional and mental connection with but not a physically chemistry) .... was not only Fly like me, but had shared top strengths. That's why we connected so well. It was a really confusing couple of weeks trying to see if I could look past the things that weren't going to work for us. But we've agreed on just being good friends, on balance, a genuinely clicking friendship is as precious as a love connection. Good news for both of us, this stuff works, if we found each other we'll also find 'the one' the strengths, values and physcial connection in one!

I talked about the Lovephool Buzz Strengths model on the Radio today, on Mark Machado's London Local show on HayesFM

I talked about how I built the www.lovephool.com model from Positive Psychology research that I've been following with my own MBA twist and how the relationships that make us happiest are based on one of four types: Fly, Hot, Cool & Slick based on what makes us Buzz as individuals. Here's a podcast of tonights full show. (If you want to skip to the Lovephool bits, download & tune into 05:00, 09:15, 27:24, 38:30, 43:35 and 59:15).

Lovephool_on_Hayes_FM_2011-02-09_20-00-00.mp3 Listen on Posterous

I'm on again on Philip's HayesFM show on Saturday and Liberty Radio and another station on Valentines day, recordings to come.

It seems whether it's Valentines or not, what we all want is to find what makes us Buzz on the inside and be around people who appreciate us for who we are.

I hope my Lovephool venture will help people focus on what makes them amazing so others can see it too. If you haven't already tried it do the Lovephool free Buzz Quiz to find out your type to find out if you're Fly, Hot, Cool or Slick and pop along to Lovethology; our alternative valentines on Saturday 12th February at 8pm at the Cuban in Moorgate to meet people and hang out with people who share the same Buzz!

Find out more at www.lovephool.com

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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Last year I learnt a lot about relationships both for Lovephool and personally.

I meet people all the time, but there are a few chaps that have appeared on my radar that I've found hard to get out of my head. Turns out there's a really good reason ............ it's the secret to chemistry...... and I've been testing it! Here's the outcome:

1. Mr StarMatch. On paper we looked good for each other, even had compatible star signs. But despite being good friends for over 2 years, whenever we'd talk we'd end up annoying each other (I referred to him as Mr Constantly winding me up in my previous post). We both wanted the connection but we just didn't get each other.

• Values aligned yes. 
• Connection: not in person, emotional or mental

2. Mr Confused. (Mad about the Boy/ Somethin Somethin in my previous post). We couldn't take our brains or eyes of each other. We were constantly phoning, texting and emotionally getting wrapped before we'd even had a date. Then I did a reality check on how incompatible our values and attitudes were and he got terrified and retreated. Cloud 9 to gutted in 5 days - ridiculous. I barely knew him, but we had this amazing *connection*; 

• Values aligned no 
• Connection: yes in person, emotional & mental.

2. Mr MarryMe. He sent me a witty email out of the blue and we starting getting to know each other. Off the charts mental and emotional chemistry. Lovely dates in the Summer ... movie romance kinda stuff. All looked promising but there was a catch. I just didn't feel the physical chemistry for him as he did me. I was prepared to see how it went but he didn't want to risk his feelings. So despite the amazing *connection* to Mr MarryMe, the answer had to be no.

• Values aligned; mostly
• Connection: yes emotional & mental
• Not in person

3. Mr Complicated. Met professionally but found a ridiculous chemistry between us... crazy physical, mental attraction ... but not emotional. I liked him and told him so. He told me he liked me too, but was in 'no mans land'; single but not single (I didn't know what that meant either).He carried on being confused and we yo-yo'ed as just friends in no mans land till he went back to his ex. Ouch that one hurt. Again really amazing *connection* but not to be.

• Values aligned; mostly
• Connection: yes in person & mental
• Not emotional

4. Mr Lovely. We met via Twitter to talk business and we just hit it off. Really open emotional chemistry, mentally got me too, but the physical chemistry wasn't there for me. But I felt so close to him, not in relationship way but like two best friends in a playground 'friends forever' kind of way. Amazing *connection* but not to be romantically - I'm just praying he'll still be my huckleberry friend.

• Values aligned; yes
• Connection: yes emotional & mental
• Not in person

5. Mr Cute. Now before you say it's a looks thing, it isn't. I've met gorgeously attractive men I don't have the chemistry with and vice versa.... but just to prove the point, I recently went out on a couple of dates with a physically really attractive man who's charming and intelligent:

• Values aligned; mostly
• But despite the fact that he's tall gorgeous and smart. I'm not emotionally, physically or mentally connected at all.

Not even slightly, and I know why......

I reckon we don't have any Buzz Strengths in common.Everyone I've listed above apart from Mr Lovely and Mr Cute has done my strengths profiling test. All of them after I've met them and spend time with them . i.e. I already know whether I'm attracted to someone or not before I know the results of the test. The result: the test predicted emotional and mental chemistry or connection every single time. Irrespective of whether our values align or whether I'm attracted to them in person.

Who should I find mentally & emotionally attractive according to the test?

Mr Confused and Mr MarryMe because they and I each have  4 of our top 5 strengths matching and we're both 'Fly' & 'Hot' people. I should also find Mr Complicated quite attractive because he and I had 3 in common and he's also 'Fly' but his second setting is 'Cool' which is why the emotional connection isn't as strong..... it's pretty much what happened.

Who should I not find attractive according to the test?

Mr StarMatch. My top 5 strengths are his lowest and vice versa, we have no joint strengths no shared way of seeing the world. We literally don't get where the other is coming from. He's physically attractive and our values are aligned, but because I don't feel a connection and vice versa, there's no chemistry at all. He's 'Slick' & ' Cool' polar opposite to me.

What it doesn't predict 

In person attraction and values. Which is down to biology or pheromones to be exact and upbringing/ life preferences for values. You can't capture that in a profile test.

But apart from that it's been spot on. I have never dated or been attracted to someone who didn't end up having at least 2 strengths in common with my top five and have same Lovephool type as me! 

 Testing the theory....

I'm going to ask Mr Lovely & Mr Cute to do the test. I think I know how it'll turn out. I think Mr Lovely is 'Fly' & 'Hot' like me. I think Mr Cute is 'Slick' & 'Cool'. The in person connection isn't there for me with either sadly. Which is why Mr Lovely will probably become a life long friendship and Mr Cute, a memory of a nice dinner..... I'll let you know how it goes.

How does it feel when you meet someone who's strengths match yours?

It feels like a soul-mate connection, as if they get you, see you for who you are. It's the chemistry that fuels love..... the in person and values stuff, well that you can only figure out when you meet them in person!

Want to find out if you're Fly, Hot, Cool or Slick .... come and find out at http://lovethology.eventbrite.com/

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar

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It's a cold and broken Hallelujah?

Life has funny of bringing to a head the things you've tided away in boxes to be forgiven and forgotten.... especially over Xmas it would seem.

I've had an ill meaning estranged family member commenting on my Lovephool blog on marriage and how people (meaning me) marry the 'love of their lives' only to go and divorce them several unhappy years later'. But also curious, well meaning acquaintances confused on how a relationship can both last 10 years and end with the two people never speaking yet not having any animosity... 

Then there's you and your Xmas greeting to me out of the blue...

I know I haven't responded. I appreciate the message. But I know you'll understand when I say if it feels lame If I reply with something 'polite'. But then what else is left to say? We've said it all. I think that's why we're rarely in touch.... 

"You and I met in the rush hour…. you had a nice knee, I kept nodding off on the seat across. Words were spoken, love awoken. We laughed, cried, loved and hurt each other. Fought, made up, married and divorced. You and I are both happier yet sadder apart than we could ever be together."

That's love folks, I don't think my story is really that different to anyone else's. But I guess as 'Lovephool'. If I'm to stand there and say:

Yes I have walked the path and 'know' what it is to truly love and yet still lose  ...then I have to explain a little.

Well, this is a start, here are the answers to the questions that I've had over the last 3 years on what it feels like when a 10 year bond self destructs.

Q. Are we still friends? A. We're not 'not friends', we both feel it's healthier for people to get on with separate lives following a breakup. We're not Facebook or Twitter buddies.

Q. Was it a mistake, do you regret it? A. Marrying him and divorcing him are the two most important things I've done in my life. I would do both again.

Q. What went wrong? A. Something happened between us, at the beginning of our relationship. It was our Titanic. It ultimately caused us to sink. 

Q. But you married him and were together 10 years. Why did it have to end? A. We had other troubles sadly. One of them, was my health. It's a bit of a wakeup call when a top medical specialist asks about the state of your marriage. I was in denial, our marriage was beyond broken. After one of our epic fights I wanted it over, I had nothing left, neither did he. That was a very sad day.

He did the kindest thing he ever did for me, he didn't let me change my mind. I hated him for it at the time. I'm so grateful to him now, and am no longer ill..... I guess doctors sometimes get it right.

Q. Do you miss him? A. I miss the idea of 'us' sometimes. Marriage when it's good, is the best thing in the world. It's like waking up with your best friend. That I miss. That's what we all deserve to have. That's what love is. 'porridge and papers' on Sunday mornings with really good tea.

Q. Do you still love him? Do you hate him now? A. Neither. I will always care what happens to him and he will always be a part of my past, but we've both let each other go.

Q. You've spent 3 years researching and figuring out what makes relationships work. If you knew then (when you were together) what you know now, would you still be together? A. Without hesitation, yes.

Q. If you could go back in time and know what you know now and fix it, would you? A. Definitely not. I know it sounds like a contradiction. But we really are different people now.

Q. How can someone go from being the 'love of your life' to nothing? A. 'The One' or 'love of your life' is a label we put on to convey the depth of our feelings for someone. Yes when we we together he was everything to me and me to him. But he isn't 'my whole life'.

We give our power away and imprison ourselves into thinking there is 'one perfect person'. There isn't. No more than we could ever be 'perfect' ourselves. It's not the time you spend with someone, it's the quality of your connection.

Q. If love is so painful, complicated and destructive it is worth it? A. It isn't all painful, complicated and destructive. For all the things that went wrong, I loved and was loved in return. That's pretty darn valuable in my book.

Maybe, he was the devil I was an angel. Or he wasn't the devil and I was no angel.

Both statement are true and forever false. That is after all, the truth about love. 

Why start Lovephool?

Because for all the crap disappointment and pain. It's worth it. He would tell you the same. It can work, It does work.

The head tilt sad look people give me when I say my marriage ended, makes me smile - they assume it's all heartbreak and tears...

That's because we see love as a zero sum game. You win or lose. It isn't like that. So many relationships don't get to marriage, and in this day and age, even if they do, not many last over 10 years. Despite it ending, I think that's an achievement rather than something to regret.

Nobody said it was easy, but through Lovephool, I think I found a way for it not to be quite so hard. If I can help others find a way to save their Titanic, perhaps I can help them and as well as myself to build relationships that last decades,not just years.

On that he and I would both agree.... Hallelujah...

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar 

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As well as being the choice for my Christmas Party dinner, it would be the title of my life story...

Well, it pretty much sums up the highs and lows of my "I'll take on anything" personality combined with often feeling so helpless in the face of the enormous tasks I always seem to set myself.

Today was one of my 'low' introverted days. Usually that's fine, being negative brings out a detached emotionless side to my character; it's great for knuckling down and getting things done. Not so great for being in company, especially around family. The more they try and tease me out of it the more I crawl deeper into my head and hide. They're used to that. I switch off when things are on my mind, it helps me get clarity. But not today it would seem, I just couldn't snap out of it.

So what's making Cheesecake Tart feel like watery Soup?

I think it's good old fashioned stress and not enough sleep. I'm getting ready for the launch of my venture and taking on someone to work with me in January. I've got so much to do, but I seem to either procrastinate or work like a mad woman till 3 in the morning. To make matters more challenging I've become very attached to a new cause; saving Ealing Cinema, which I really don't have time to take on. But it's become important:

I don't know whether it's an emotional distraction that's fuelling my efforts, but it's become symbolic of things that shouldn't just be left to die. 

I love the movies. I'm a sucker both for underdog hero legends and impossible love stories that let you glimpse moments of human triumph and greatness. I find it sad that one of London's leading boroughs, the home of the oldest continuously running studios and greatest films, has lost all but one of many much loved cinemas. It seems to suggests that it's ok for government impotence and big business ruthlessness to be the feature film that's now increasingly being played on a never ending release across our society.

The added insult is that we're increasingly fed crappy trailers telling us that 'we're in this together'. Whatever 'this' is.

I just remember walking past the now sorry derelict site of a once magnificent Art Deco cinema in the heart of Ealing. It was on a cold damp wintery Monday morning, and I recall thinking:

I don't want it to be that way. I want the underdog to win. I want to believe in love stories again. 

Well today I found that the underdog doesn't have to win, he just has to try. My Dad, got me out of my head today. He was talking about India again, I decided to take a break and listen to him. He were talking about my Dad's village and when the 'Society' started. I wasn't really interested and assumed he was talking about parochial village culture.

Turns out he was talking about my radical socialist Grandad.

He and my Great Grandad also got fired up by a cause; that of protecting locals from nasty loan sharks who were crippling their community. Their answer was to use newly created cooperative laws released by the government after the partition to create a cooperate local bank. Socially motivated Micro Finance way before it became fashionable. They also had immense challenges, the power and vested interests of the loan sharks not withstanding. Their's wasn't a Hollywood underdog takes on the machine and wins story. No, it took time and only achieved through the dogged determination, cooperation and collaboration of getting people behind a cause - they just carried on until they made it happen. The cooperative 'Society' still stands today, one of many amazing legacies that he left his community.

He doesn't have a plaque or nor did he see his action as a grandiose gesture. He just had a deep passion and belief in wanting things to be better. 

He did many things that quietly left their mark; he was a modest man. In keeping with his personality, his life story would be called 'The Quiet Man. I'm inspired by his determination and in my own way will try and walk along the path he started. Perhaps 'The Quiet Man and his Soup Tart Cheesecake Granddaughter' is the real story. I hope so, I think he'd like my cheesiness.

Let's not stand by and watch things die. Let's bring back the movies to Ealing. Dreams and films may not change the world, but they inspire people and if it helps them rally behind a single voice then I think it's a great place to start. Thank you for your continued support in helping to save Ealing Cinema!

http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/saveealingcinema

Come Tweet with me .... www.twitter.com/missybrar 

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I just watched a chick flick with my flat-mate. In the manual (if there was one) of lazy Saturday nights in I should be up for the occasional romance fest. But this movie makes me want to draw blood and not in a good way. The offending film is a non descript piece of drivel called "When In Rome" starring nobody and nobody as leads, but also had Danny DeVito and Anjelica Houston, so I thought I'd take a chance.

Sometimes it's nice being impulsive and choosing something you know nothing about. To be honest I'm a sucker for anything that reminds me of holiday and Italy, especially Rome is just so ..... lovely. But the film, is pants. Big grey granny chuddies.

I have to say that I barely made it through the movie without screaming. The basic story: emotionally imbalanced blonde meets bloke in Rome, likes bloke gets involved with stupid coins in fountain farce, bloke likes her, but it 'can't be real' because of coins crap. Wastes 90 minutes of my life as I watch said vacant blonde gradually realising it is the 'real thing', marries bloke whilst remaining an emotionally unhinged (graduated from imbalanced) blonde.

Women being portrayed like that makes me want to get a sex change, pile on 10 stone, shave my head and get 'love' and 'hate' tattooed on my knuckles. 

Ok tad extreme, but why oh why does hollywood chick flick mean vacuous female characters and emasculated men?

Flat-mate: 'That film really irritated you didn't it?'

Moi: 'What gives you that idea?'

FM: 'You're getting out the Kill Bill DVD Box Set'

M: 'What?' (innocent face) .... 'It's got a fab sound track' (true - but can't wait for Uma Therma with her machete) .... 'It's a love story' (also true but FM looking at me with a worried expression now and removing sharp objects from the room).

It's ok, I don't have a penchant for violent movies and there are some action movies that are also cringe worthy (actually quite a few). But its harder to find love stories that are worthy of the title. Kill Bill in it's warped way is a love story (gone very wrong) but it still is. 

We've just compare top 5s whilst finishing off the chocolate. Not all time necessarily, but just what comes to mind.... her's

1. When Harry Met Sally

2. You've Got Mail

3. Frankie and Johnny

4. Gone with the Wind

5. Moulin Rouge

Mine if I had to choose 5 right now (excluding Hindi Cinema)

1. Breakfast at Tiffany's

2. Good As It Gets

3. The Bridges of Madison County

4. Brick Lane

5. Gone With The Wind

None of the above made me want to draw blood. But not sure I could do a Meg Ryan fest without wanting to bop her silly upturned nose and funny face contortions that substitutes for good acting (meow... saucer of milk for me).

Now for Kill Bill ..... 'I over-reacted' ....'there are consequences of breaking the heart of a murdering bastard'.....I don't think this qualifies as making up nooky.....but it's great cinema!

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I pretend I'm not. I didn't think I was. But even others notice. It's true. I'm just not quite the same when you're away. 

I don't tell you because you'll think I'm being soppy and you'll worry there's something wrong. There isn't. It's just I don't have this relationship with anyone else and we both know how hard we've worked to find it again. I thought this kind of stuff only existed in the movies, I was wrong.

We weren't close for years. In the past for every moment of closeness (read weakness) and shared feelings, one of us would dismiss the other, get defensive or cynically wonder 'how long the peace would last this time'.

We endlessly frustrated each other - it just got too painful, we loved each other but it was a peaceful ceasefire kind of love.

But that was the same as everyone's relationship - it was "normal". But things changed, and I had to change in response. You remember, 2007, my 'Armageddon summer'?

I was on the ‘Why’ path, I wanted answers. I was a little angry at the time. No that's a lie...... I was ‘mad dog howl around the yard angry'.

I wanted to know why relationships sucked? Why this stuff was so freaking hard? Why heartbreak was endless and relentless in its vengeance against the audacity of having loved someone so deeply? Why it was so freaking UNFAIR? Did love, real, genuine, deep bonds even exist between any of us? Or was it is all a big con?

Where we all either dumb suckers, cruel protagonists or cowardly pawns in a game that we will forever lose?

The rote answers seemed to be: "Love stinks, get over it. Get 'even' if you have to. But harden up, it's the only way". In other words, play it or get played. All men are bar-stewards and all women are witches!

Yeah well, I wasn't buying it! Move over Winohouse, there's a better way. There must be!

Love doesn't suck, we're just terrified of getting burnt, being found out for being 'less' or 'not good enough'. We mess up, so we turn away, lock down, shut off, hurt each other. Why? Because it's easier to do that than to reach out. But then you changed all that and re-built "us". You say it was me. That I'm the one who reached out and changed things between us. Maybe it was both of us. 

You remember, we'd been arguing, I was hurting. Bad. Worse than I'd ever hurt in my whole life, and you were as useful as a chocolate tea-pot. Your solution to my pain was finding out where the blame lay. It was either my fault or someone else's fault. I had to put up with you going on and on all weekend. I did what I always end up doing – getting fed up, yelling and then shutting off.....This is 'normal' in relationships, remember.

Progress so far .... Love sucks, Normal sucks!

A few months later we sat having tea, sitting across from one another, I wanted to say that I was sorry for being so harsh. I couldn't, I just looked at you and hoped you knew that I loved you, even when I was being out of order. Suddenly something shifted, you looked up, held my gaze in return, neither of us moving, just looking at each other. Then you spoke;

"I'm always scared of upsetting you ..... I don't know how to talk to you sometimes"

I could have changed the subject, but I carried on looking at you. Took a deep breath and just said;

"I know ... I've never made it easy for you.... I just felt like I was never enough in your eyes."

"That’s not true, sometimes I find it hard to understand you.... Perhaps it’s my fault for not being there.”

"It's not your fault, it's nobody's fault, it's life." 

"I know, but I love you, you’re important to me and I should have been there when you needed me."

"You were. I was hurting too much to let you in."

The rest of the conversation is too private and precious. But we listened, and listened and listened .... till we understood each other's fears ...  till the tea got cold and biscuits ran out. Till I understood how much you loved me and you knew how much I've always loved you. After than day we have never fought. Yes we've had our mini spats. But there's no hiding in real love. When we don’t understand each other now we reach out instead of turning away.

It's hard, that's why most of us don't do it. We (wrongly) think holding our breath, letting things lie, is normal. Opening up isn't easy, you're at your most vulnerable, but it’s real, and it pays dividends.

Real love doesn't pity nor exalt - it just accepts you and treats you the same; good, bad, happy or sad.  It doesn't care whether you've won or lost. It says that what you already are is more than enough. It will always be enough. It always was.

I didn't know it at the time, but that person is the reason I started Lovephool. They showed me what understanding was, what forgiveness was; what Love was. Most importantly, that it exists in relationships and not just in the movies.

If you're still stuck in 'love sucks territory' ... Here's a little perspective! ....

"So I was sitting there in the bar and this guy comes up to me and he says 'My life stinks' and I was his Gold credit card and I saw the way he was looking at people across the room and I looked at his face and you know what? A good looking face, and I just said; 'Dude your perspective on life sucks'." Mika Blame it on the Girls:

Who's that someone I’m missing? They're my rock, my best friend, my teacher....... my mother.

But it could have anyone. The same principles apply to any relationship. Drop your shields and be loving, understanding, forgiving and compassionate.

Any muppet can be a closed off cynical fool. Trust me I know, I used to be one.

I know it takes courage to look someone in the eye and make them feel like they matter, and sometimes building that trust takes time, but it’s worth it. It really is.

I do hope she brings me something nice back from India - if she brings me another 'bell bottomed trouser suit - come Elvis outfit' there will be trouble.... well no relationship is perfect!

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My Dad... with laughter usually. Well my antics never fail to amuse him, that's what daughters are for, I remind him. Conversations with Pops usually start with

'Oi Kuldeepeeeee?' 

'What trouble have you been making today?' or 'Who have you been upsetting?' or my favourite 'Koi koi bachu ga' 

(Punjabi for .... lucky if any one survives this one ~ she takes no prisoners). 

Today was a classic blonde moment on my part, but not my fault if I can add. I'm known for having my head in the clouds:

My parents know this; this last year I have 'managed' to lock myself out 4 times, break unbreakable things, lose wallet, watch, tickets, almost miss flights, fall over, have an altercation with a biker and get stuck behind my fridge freezer (but only did that once - learnt that lesson fast) not to mention the endless technology fails.

So when my mother phoned me at 5.30 from India to ask me to tell Dad, when he got home that she arrived safe and not to call because her mobile wasn't working and she was going to bed, you'd think I would make sure I told him.

True Punjabi mother style she reminded me no less than 5 times...  Yes mum I know, I heard you ... yes, ok ...'But remember, he's home at 6, tell him or he'll worry, or call the mobile, yes just call the mobile' ..... ok yes already Ma. Yes yes, love you sleep well. Chat to you tomorrow! 

What do I do? Forget of course. Thankfully, my mother predicts this and leaves a missed call on the land-line for Dad. Morse code for she's got there, and she'll call back, if not don't worry. 

I realised my error at 7.30, and called him, to which he pretended to be worried and upset. Ok 1 - nill to Dad! Bless, he's a little down, like a lost sheep turns into a little beardy hermit.

'So what did I do today?' he asks... 'worked on web copy and analysis for Lovephool..... and decided to save Ealing Cinema'. I told him, 'Empire apparently wants to turn Ealing Cinema into a Car Park so I started a twitter stream with the Ealing Councillor and other Tweeps to 'Do Something' ... something being lots of calls / mails by my Ealing neighbours, an on-line petition, an article in the on-line local paper and tweets re-sent out to 20,000 twitters ... maybe we'll get lots of signatures, make a difference and have a massive group hug!'

He had a good chuckle then he told me he'd got a bee in his bonnet about Bevkoof Nick Clegg and the pointless Liberal Party. 

Dad: He (Nick Clegg) is not just the puppet of the Conservatives, he's a cartoon character. A hologram of a leader whose sold out on everything he promised to do and now just steering his party towards impending political wilderness, never again to be believed let alone trusted! Bevkoof (idiot)'

Me: I know, he's a muppet. We're doomed. Not much we can do really. 

Dad: No. You should start your own party, show them how it's done!

Me: Sorry? What? Nominate myself as the next Liberal candidate? Isn't that a tad ambitious? And well ..... a bit mad?

Dad: Ney, not lead the party ...

Me: Kee pheer? (waiting for the punch line)....

Dad: Start your own party .... if you can save a Cinema, you can start a party. A decent party that doesn't lie..... I'd vote for you.

Me: That's cute Dad. Besides I think you'd have to vote for me, or Mum would go on strike. .... but slow down, I haven't saved the Cinema yet.

Dad: Good point, do that first. (back to the chuckles ) your Grandad would be proud. 'Koi koi bachu ga'! .... Then start the party. 

Me: No pressure then? :-)

Please take a moment and support my petition to save my local Cinema.You don't have to be a Londoner, or Ealing resident, but if you've ever enjoyed a really good Ealing Comedy .... they were made here,  in my neck of the woods. So I'm quite fond of our movie heritage.

It would be nice, not to let big business turn it into a nasty car park. Go on take a moment, help us keep the flicks, so the locals can carry on enjoying their movie magic. Even Audrey Hepburn graced these here parts:

I don't promise to start my own political party. But if I do, I promise you we won't lie ... although we may end up getting ourselves locked out of the party head quarters from time to time.

As the future leader of the 'We Don't Lie Party' I thank you from the bottom of my pop-corn box. Nominations for party name are being taken!

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'Love' really?

 That's a tough one, do we ever really love someone or do we project our infatuation? I've 'definitely probably been very much in like with you', surely that's a good start. Not trying to side step love stuff, I'm just someone who finds it easy to be affectionate, I'm huggy, soppy, happy ... with friends, family and the neighbours cat...

Wasn't always that way, had to unlearn my old way of loving, and re-learn how to be cherished and loved for who I am (ok yeah I know, cheese, eww, yuck). But it's true, not via a romantic relationship mind you, just good family, friendships and people who just exude emotional generosity ... But that's a whole other blog post. That's what I call love with rocks on.

But I'm talking about romantic love here.... yeah am a sucker for that too. But in response to 'I think I love you post'  thought it only fair to include my replies...

My replies to the love songs....

1. For mister Trouble (Seal: Violet). I can't recall how infatuated I was with you at the time, but I think you definitely got under my skin.... to be fair I was text book major rebound land. Tried to stay away, sensed something tad dangerous about you. Monied City type used to getting his way, except I wasn't playing ball. I was immune to the Nobu dinners, Champagne evenings and Canary Wharf picnics. Or so you thought. It's not that I didn't appreciate all those things, it's just that it was never real. I found you hollow, except when you opened up on the rare occasions my prodding worked. I had my own allbeit modest life so was never interested in the flashy crap. I was waiting to see your true colours and when I found them, they kinda clashed with my dress sense and morals.... sorry m'dear for you it has to be Nelly Furtado. You had no idea what made me tick. You may have had the cash, but honey, I had the class, even you admitted that.

2. For (Scouting for Girls: She's So Lovely) chap. You were really good to me. A true gentleman, I'm really glad we're still friends that look out for each other. *doths cap* ... Sorry boys, this one still holds the record for best ever first date. Have never laughed so much and been treated like an absolute queen.... Actually whilst we on the subject had a pretty decent breakup too, if there is such a thing.

3. For (Kanye - Flashing Lights.... sweetheart it's kinda creepy video) But I'll give you joint prize on first date stuff.... loved the rose!.... nope not a flower but handmade perfect loveliness! You were pretty smooth Mr D even though you tricked me into thinking you were older than you were... and I was too involved with my MBA to give us a chance. You called me a fruit loop for being so flakey - yeah I deserved that :-) Likewise glad we're good friends. This one reminds me of *we're definitely not dancing together - but if we're swaying it doesn't count.* My favourite evening, watching Russel Peters DVD eating Enchiladas and me reminding you how awesome your career was going to be if you took the job in the states .... was right wasn't I? American boy! :-)

4. 'How you doing Brar?' .... we've had a tricky friendship at best. We neither mean to wind each other up but someone *always* seem to. You take everything way too seriously or I don't take it seriously enough. Or both... 

5. Mr (Maxwell: Something Something)! You have no idea how besotted I was over you. Crazy school girl infatuation. But was all a fantasy due to aforementioned muppetry. I do mean it this time, go away puppy, I no longer find you cute. I just don't feel the way now as I did then. But t yes, I was pretty hooked on you earlier this year (think I made my friends ears bleed for my going on about you.....) Given how soppy I was, it would have to be this track. I'm gonna be tad harsh, but babes you're all talk no action. Trouble is you never did start the chase ... just got boring in the end.... Really stop texting, I'm slipping into a coma.

6. Mr (Bocelli - Conte Partiro) .... I can no more look at you than you can me, its right we're not in each other's lives, but I try to wish you well and mean it. Our relationships was a weird alternative universe lifetime thing. But I know you once meant a lot to me. So I guess it would have to be this, because it's what was in my head when we first went out and that train back to Brighton.... and sadly very prophetic.

So I guess the question is who's romette into now. Well for the first time, no-one... :-)

Thought I was briefly into someone during the summer, but no. Another non-starter. No love songs, no replies and you know what? No trying to hold my breath and be someone I'm not. Kinda liberating - I like it. But all could change tomorrow... 

I know what he'll be like when I meet him... fell in love with the idea of someone a few months back. He was standing on a platform on the Central Line at Liverpool Street, he just exuded beautiful, confident, chilled, cool, loveliness .... he moved me. Simple.

He turned and smiled, but smile wasn't for me. He was with a girl - she was chattering away; ten to the dozen, he was standing all protective around her, one hand small of her back the other holding all her stuff and then he randomly kissed the top of her head. She stopped talking looked up, blushed and carried on talking.  He smiled again, that cocky happy 'she's my girl, I'm her chap' lovely happy chilledness that gave me goosebumps... they just *made sense* ... that to me is love. Anything less is well .... muppetry!

.... it's out there peeps!

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